And this got me thinking: why is it that every time I talk to a woman about what to get my fiance for a gift, they suggest sex? Do men in heterosexual relationships encounter this when discussing what to buy their girlfriends or wives? Do men ever suggest to other men to give sex to their girlfriends or wives? Does anyone make this suggestion to men and women in homosexual relationships, or is this strictly a heterosexual thing?
I just wonder about these things because within this one suggestion comes several assumptions: that men want sex, women withhold sex, and women should at least give sex to men on special occasions. There is also this assumption that women don't enjoy sex (or at least shouldn't admit to liking it, or else they're filthy filthy sluts. Or something.).
It also makes it sound like a chore for us ladies. If it's a gift to the man, then it's almost like the woman is an object (sound familiar?); it's not about her beyond the scope of her parts. It makes it only about getting the man off instead of creating an equal exchange of pleasure.
This only reinforces that sex is all about the man, that since women don't like sex anyway (or aren't supposed to) there is no need for reciprocation on the man's part. It's her job right?
But many women enjoy sex, have sex, and, believe it or not, initiate sex (that's right; we don't wait around for a man to coerce us into "putting out.").
And I'm sure I'm not the only woman who wouldn't mind getting sex on her birthday...
Thoughts?
crossposted
10 comments:
I've known a fair amount of men that only got oral on their birthday.
Does that count? It's the best I got.
This is what happens when I speak on a topic with which I have no real authority. I say empty, irrelevant things.
Sorry >.<
Well-said. On top of this is the assumption that heterosexual women should buy lingerie so they'll be "gift-wrapped" for the occasion (because that's not objectification...)
@Cheese Sammich--
yeah, it counts, since i don't know of any people where the reverse for that is true.
@Emily--
yes! omg!! i hate it when someone assumes that lingerie is for the woman. it's never for the woman. it's for her man. gift-wrap is right.
Fair enough.
I used to only give oral sex for special occasions.
How's that?
But, the caveat being, I have the sex drive of an unconscious tortoise, and the angle of attack required causes really bad neck pain for a couple days afterward for me.
So I think I don't personally count.
Very familiar set-up.
Would be great to see the comeback, "When it comes to sex with my man, I always take, never give!" or some such.
Also - I'm a statistical outlier here, but have both given and received sex in hetero interactions as gifts. There again, D/s does funny things to the way sex drive is interpreted, in my experience.
I think it's a lot like those "gift certificates" good for a massage, or suchandsuch. It's kind of like "This certificate is good for me to do something I'd have done anyway if you'd bothered to ask me to." or "This is something I'd like to do but don't have the nerve to tell you I want to do it for you."
This reminds me of something I saw on a morning talk show a while back. They read a statistic that said that women mostly put out just to get their husbands to take the trash out (or some such nonsense).
I remember feeling insulted. I don't understand the notion that if you're woman sex is some tiresome obligation for you, reserved for barter, or generous gifts.
Also, I'd be happy to get sex for my birthday...or even Christmas!
I've always hated the idea of "giving" someone sex for their birthday, and I'd also hate to think that my boyfriend would want to have sex with me if I wasn't into it and was just going along out of...what? Birthday pity? That being said, we do tend to have sex on BOTH our birthdays because surprise! We both like sex.
I came over from Feministe and, I have to resent the "lingerie is never for the woman" line-I, and any number of my friends do have fun dressing up with lingerie for special occasions. Yes, I pick it, so it's something I like and am comfortable in. It's not a requirement and it might not be what my boyfriend would pick for me(I haven't really asked), but he's never complained yet. This isn't something every woman will feel, but we're all not the same-so we won't all feel like it's never fun either. as for the trading sex-I've never given or gotten sex for a birthday, I think the closest I've come is "tonight is all about you, another night is all about me". I do think that most long term relationships will have occasions when both parties are more and less generous sexually-the important bit is that everyone is satisfied, and that everyone does both-be generous and receive generosity. Though in multiple relationships, explicitly trading sexual favors for other favors has been a two way street-men offering to me and me offering to men. this is probably due to a long tradition of that as a joke amongst friends in college-I never did that offer with anyone who didn't understand that background.
While I have seen the "you should just get him sex" thing, I've personally encountered it more in the "tonight it is all about you" aspect. (And that in both directions in a heterosexual relationship.)
Basically, go overboard on something they like sexually. Sort of like going overboard on making them their favourite dish for dinner. It's the kind of thing you might do anyway, but it is just an excuse to really focus on the other person because it's their birthday.
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